Thursday, September 8, 2011

Rock-Bottom or Bottom-Rocks?

Hi there.
It's me, taking a break from the Wedding Recap posts to bring you an up-to-date post in which I do not wear a white fancy dress.

Because in all honestly I'm floudering somewhere in reality.
I've come down off the wedding planning high and am left wondering, what now brown cow?
For so long a driving force guided me, pushed me, motivated me and excited me.
And now I am turning 30, feeling bored, writing a ton of thank you cards and questioning my career choice.

I look at my students, who at age seven have such high hopes and aspirations.  They dream of becoming whatever they want and will go far.
And then there's me, staring at them, wishing I had what they have: opportunity.
Woah there drama.

I put much thought and alcohol into this state of mind, lately.  I cried hard, ugly, out-of-the-blue tears to Mike who told me I can do anything I want, that I will find something to stir me forward.  I talked with my hair stylist who came up with some really funny ideas and hobbies to try.  I bounced ideas off my personal trainer and we actually made some headway.
And yet I feel unfulfilled and so unsatisfied.

My sunshine and rainbows are clouded by rain and poop.
So my options are:
  1. go back to school & get a masters in something education related
  2. yoga teacher training
  3. photography classes
  4. go back to dancing (modern)
  5. Nia classes
  6. have a baby
I'm totally kidding about that last one.  Because you shouldn't just have a baby if you're bored.  Imagine that convo later in life: "Oh I was going through a rough patch and needed something to do so we decided to have you!"  Totally Lifetime Movie worthy. Imagine the therapy bills from that one! Plus we're not starting a family yet.

Looking at that list, nothing satisfies me long term, and I don't see any of them going far:

  1. I strongly disliked college classes and refuse to sit and be lectured again, even in a specialized field of my choosing.  (really ironic, considering I am a teacher, right?)
  2. I don't want to teach yoga, but I enjoy practicing it.  This could work to further me emotionally and mentally, though.
  3. I always enjoy taking pictures, so this works.  It doesn't go much farther, though.  What will I do with these new-found photography skills?
  4. I have yet to find a community of welcoming-fun-down-to-earth women who are not competitive and superficial.  Dancing is a passion and something I will only do if comfortable.  And this also fails to further me long-term.
  5. This was my personal trainer's idea.  She does Nia and swears with my dance background and joy of motion, that this will be the answer to my search.  However, I've never even taken a single Nia class!
  6. We clarified this was an honest-to-goodness-not-happening thing.  Maybe Mike will buy me a puppy?!

So what do you do when you hit this rut?  What works to fish you out of your pity-train riding experience? How do I find that itch and pull and forward motion again?

My 2nd graders are actually doing a good job of keeping me preoccupied. I love them. I love my school. I just don't want this forever.

How do you keep things real?
Now accepting solutions.


  1. You know what... I have no idea. I feel like that too. Not really hitting reality... After all the fire drama and what not I can honestly say I loved everything about my wedding and I am so glad it's over. :) But I have been realizing I'm not doing what I want to with my life. And I don't have ANY idea what to do about it... So if you do come up with any good solutions, shoot some my way.

  2. We move.
    I was in such a bad place for a while, and we moved... and poof I feel like a million times better.

    Being military we move a lot and we'd been in the same place for 9 years and I don't think I knew it at the time but it was causing me such stress.

    I'm going to have a huge void though when the twins start school- I've always had a kid at home with me. I kind of dread it because it means I will have to figure out what I want to be when I grow up ROFL

  3. I don't know what advice to give. I just LOVE that you said 'poop' in a blog post. You are my new BFF!!!

    Anyhoo...I was in a place like that for a long time, but I loathed my job and I already had kids, so I had to find my new direction before I left the job I hated.

    I cried. A lot.

    I searched and searched. I didn't know what I wanted to do.

    Then I gave up and braced myself for a life of stress and hatred toward my job. I actually tried to get fired (I can't even do THAT right LOL)!

    And ya know what? When I stopped searching, my current job fell in my lap (just about a month ago, too). It's my dream job. I have zero stress and I'm working from home so I see my kids so much more. And my husband went to day work and we are like a normal family again. We are all much happier.

    My point? When you stop looking, your answer will appear. And it's not a baby. For realz.


  4. I don't have any wisdom because I have no idea where I am in my life or what I want to do with it but I am here from you and I love you and you will find your spirit again... promise!

  5. What about volunteering, as in community service working with a great organization? I could only imagine how much need there is in D.C., and I think you could really help people. You're really approachable, can get big complicated things done well, can work with kids.... I bet you'd learn more about yourself in the process too.

  6. chin up, dixie cup! sadly, I have no breakthrough thoughts for you on your life, mostly because I'm in the same floundering boat. I'm taking the GRE next week, hoping that will give me clarity-OR if I bomb it, I'll jump off the roof of a building downtown.

    you're a smart cookie, though! If I figure out something brilliant, you'll be the first person I tell. in the meantime, dream of honeycrisps. :)

  7. Oh sister, I could have written this myself. Tim actually has expressed worry about me because I always have to be "doing something." After wedding planning, what now? So we bought a house. What now? We had a kid. Then I got depression and didn't want to do a thing. Then I got better. What now? Now I'm in grad school. After that? Another kid. After that? I don't know. I don't want to find out.

    Let me tell you one thing about grad school that I'm learning. I was TOTALLY the same as you, not wanting to be lectured at all day. Shoot, I can't even sit through a training or seminar for work! But I'm finding that I'm actually enjoying what I'm doing in school. It's something that I'm totally interested in. It has a very specific end goal in mind (my undergrad was in Psychology ... WAAAAY too broad!). I mean, if I'm going to incur that much debt, it better be something I like! And sure enough, I'm liking it.

    I completely get where you are at right now. Planning for so long for an event so monumental, it makes you feel bored when it's all done. What you're going through right now I'm pretty certain is completely normal for just-wed women :)

    And thus ends my novel comment. But you know you can always email me if you want to chat :)

  8. Online classes! Then you don't have to sit and be lectured!

  9. my advice: try something new and see where it takes you. you never know, if you take one photography class it might spark a passion you didn't know you had.. same with any of your other ideas:) try something & if you don't like it, move on to something else!

    Hang in there-- rough patches suck, but you'll get through it!

  10. Sounds like the dirty, thirties slump :( I was there and it sucked, but you will get through it. Maybe it is about a change-even just in routine will help. I know it will sound stupid, but take Nora to a different park, go to a museum, open a bottle of wine with a friend and talk, do some more scrapbooking, walk around a neighborhood in DC you don't know, come help me paint an upstairs room or install a banister :) anything that you dont normally do. Sometimes just a break in routine can get you out ofthe slump without having to make a drastic change. Also, you're super creative, and you could totally sell cake toppers or favors or photos on etsy!

  11. Wow, I could have totally written this same post in 2004. I just got married, I was in a stagnant unfulfilling job, I felt like a robot - doing what needed to be done but not living or loving or feeling.

    I pretty much lived on Monster and found a new job. It wasn't the right one, but it got me to the right one. Just that change of scenery and coworkers made such a difference, learning something new, having a new routine. It sparked so much more - I started my blog, I did some home redecorating, I got a job as a volunteer for the local paper. It was the catalyst.

    Just one change to your normal routine could be exactly what you need to get the ball rolling. For me I needed a new job, NEEDED IT, but if my job was okay I think just taking a new class (I hated college but loved taking classes like jewelry making and stained glass at the community college and nearby places). Just adding that new layer, a new way to work my brain was refreshing and changed everything.

    Good luck!

  12. Well, for me it started out with knowing it was the right thing to do (to quit my job that was sucking the life out of me - almost literally) and I felt I had others behind me (my boyfriend at the time) but then I realized that that boyfriend really wasn't, something to do with money issues, and dropped me down flat. It was really defeating for a moment. I questioned whether I should go with school again at all, like did I make the wrong choice? (B/c I was SO sure he was The One). I realized how much of an ass he was (didn't know it at the time but he got remarried to some random chick after a month of dating!) and decided that school was the right thing to do for me after all.
    I still struggle with things. I sometimes hate that at 28 I'm still single and don't have my career yet. But I do know that this med tech thing is what I want but it's a pain to get into it which most of the time drives me harder to get into it. Sometimes it defeats me.
    The short of it is, I've always been independent and stubborn (Taurus through and through) so when I want something it's always like a "to hell with you, I'm doing this!" lol.
    (I listen to "not afraid" and "till I collapse" by eminem and that always reminds me to be strong and keep going at it and pumps me up when I'm down)
    You will find it my dear. I know you will. Be strong like the strong woman that you are!:)


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