Thursday, June 24, 2010

So you want to be invited...

Can I take a moment to complain, please?  Just a quick rant, I promise. 
I'm sure I will come off as rude, and so please forgive me in advance.
That aside, let's talk guest list.
More specifically, let's talk invitees.

Yes, there are certain people who need to be invited and certain people who require an invite.  People like your parents, your nuclear family, your close-yet-extended family members, are of course invited to your special day.  Then there are close friends you always knew would be there.  We can go a layer further to your boss (if you're close), your colleagues (again, pending details) and maybe even some outlying friends. 
And because weddings are expensive, you wish your budget allowed for more invites and of course wish all 600+ Facebook friends could miraculously receive invites.
But you can't invite everyone.
You just can't.

However, I've encountered a problem.  A few "friends"  don't understand that everyone's not guaranteed an invite.  Maybe it's because they are not privy to all the planning, budgeting, emailing with caterers (what do you mean $10K won't feed 300?) and so on.
But I cannot even begin to tell you about the people, who I hope are kidding, that say things flat out like, "So am I on the guest list?" or my personal favorite "I better be invited!"  and even so far to say "I can't wait to come to your wedding" (when you full well know they are not on the invite list).
I can try to see it as flattery, that they want to be a part of our day.

Because no, if you have to ask then you are probably not invited.
Because yes, I wish I could invite you but can't.
Because maybe we are just not that close.

Has anyone else run into this problem?
How do you handle it?


  1. This happens to everyone and it sucks. We had to make serious cutbacks because of how much we could afford...

    and after all of that? 10 no-shows at a LOT of $$ per person.

    We had a "b" list and as much as that sounds kinda crappy we would invite extra people as we got the no rsvps in the mail.

  2. Dude. All I can say is be thankful (or maybe regret?) that you didn't do a destination wedding at a little resort that only holds 50 people. My friends John and Carrie did that, which was the Jamaican wedding we went to, and I STILL don't know how we were lucky enough to be part of the friends invited.

    Real friends won't mind - they'll get it, and cry just as much looking at photos as they would have at the wedding.

    You can't invite everyone. You just can't. Just make sure the people who didn't get the invite know it's a space-money-only issue, and set aside a nice night out with them before or after the wedding. Ya know?

    (And once again, like every blog post you write, I am SOOOO glad you are writing all this down. One day there will come a day when I am frantically combing over every word for advice)... (I think...)... :)

  3. Ugh! I know the feeling... I finally had to sit my mom down & explain to her that even when people say things like "I can't wait to be there" or "Oh, I have family in Austin I can stay with when the wedding comes" that it gives her no obligation to give them an invite. I was busy trying to figure out how to break the news gently to "The Uninvited" of my friends, while she was handing out invites to anyone who asked... including people I'd never even met.

    We had lots of no shows too, Joey! And all that after we'd specifically told some people that no, they cannot bring their platonic friend (or two! Can you believe some people asked to bring more than one...) just in case they don't know anyone, and had spent the last few months avoiding some people altogether because we didn't invite them. After all that, we felt like real jerks knowing that there could have been room for those extra few and/or their guests.

    When we had people we knew we weren't inviting ask to come or talk about how they "better be invited", we just told them that due to venue restrictions, we were planning a smaller wedding than we initially thought and might have only immediate family and a small group of close friends. And then avoided them like the plague. :)

    I also sent semi-casual announcements to some people saying that I knew they couldn't attend or that circumstances kept me from being able to send them a proper invite, but that I was so pleased that I would feel blessed from near & far on my wedding day because they would be with me in spirit even if they couldn't attend in person. When you put it so positively, they can't help but react well - they might be disappointed, but I think they'd be hard pressed to be upset with you after receiving such a pleasant message.

    People don't seem to understand that inviting yourself to ANYTHING is just rude & presumptuous. In fact, after my wedding experience, I have even offered NOT to come to other people's weddings because as much as I'd love to be there, I recognize that I'm not a NECESSARY fixture, like the families and the friends they have to see everyday.

    Good luck, Vic!

  4. Ladies, thanks so much. That makes me feel TONS better.
    Jo- no shows are STUPID. enough said
    Ali - Real friends are invited :) It's the boarderline ones who I'm worried about.
    Joy - LOVE the positive spin on it, great advice!

    Awesome advice to wake up to!!!!
    Love you all!!

  5. I am just shocked that people have the nerve to assume they are invited! put your foot down, Vicki. (i have no other advice for you since i haven't been through this, lol)

  6. Ugh, I feel you! There was a guy at my work that I work with all the time, but don't consider us friends AT ALL (he's really annoying). I was only planning to invite work friends (you know, people I also hang out with outside of the office), but he was all like "when should I expect my invitation?" WTH? I caved and invited him (and he came, grrr), but luckily he was the only one who assumed that I had to deal with. Be strong, don't cave in like I did!

  7. Baby, it's your wedding. Invite the people you want there. The people who love you understand your predicament. The people who get upset? They'll get over it. D

  8. Oh, I feel for you! It's so hard... we had to cut our list wayyyy down, and there were so many more people we wanted to invite. And you just don't really understand until you've planned a wedding (I certainly didn't). It's made me really cautious around friends who get engaged - I would hate to presume anything. But you can't take it personally... it's very hard to grasp all the complexities of a wedding until you've done it yourself.

  9. You know who says stuff like that...people who know they are not invited. You can address their comments or just "ignore" them. Hopefully they get the message when the invite doesn't come. I find it is usually people who have not planned or paid for a wedding yet who ask/assume these things.
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  10. I like the suggestion of sending out a wedding announcement for those who don't get an invitation. I would love to send you all something even though I know, even if I were invited, I couldn't afford to trek up to D.C. :) I think that's a great way to say "Gee, I really wish we could invite you, but we can't and we want you know how much we appreciate your friendship."


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